rainy day and no work …
i’m actually off work today. what a shocker. but i really need it since work has been full of bullshit and playing nice for about the last month.
anywho. i bought a new supplement called ‘cell food.’ i’m hoping it will help boost my metabolism and get me motivated to lose some weight. even 10lbs would be nice. but it doesn’t help that i just downed 2 doughnuts HAHAHAHAHAHA. oh well.
finally getting some rain and hopefully a break from the humidity here. i need to get out and weed later on this week.
not much else to say. waiting for the stupid period thing to come along. being a woman sucks.
My childhood …
not that i remember much about my childhood, but here’s what i do:
being told to smile
feeling uncomfortable in all my clothes
hating brownies and all that girl scout shit
loved tee-ball, but hated softball. the girls didn’t like me cuz i was chubby
having crushes on boys but never telling anyone
knowing the threat of being spanked was always there
once going to the creek that we weren’t allowed to and falling in some mud. i hid in my closet afraid of being spanked. i never was, but i was lucky that day i guess
wondering why my mother let me get some of the hairstyles that i had
being daddy’s little helper - since he didn’t have any sons
playing barbies with my cousin
fighting with my mom
crying in my room after my mom told me i was fat
crying in general after about the 8th grade
having no idea what i wanted to be when i grew up
not being allowed to play pool
swimming in the pool in the summer with my cousins
oh, the family reunions - hated most of them - felt like a fat blubber
vacationing in a RV - most of the time was fun
liking boys in high school, but none liked me back
hating to have to shop at lane bryant in high school for ’special occassion’ clothes. made me feel older then i was and everything was horrible!
never smiling
big hair
the sizzle of the curling iron on crispy, hair-sprayed bangs
wanting to die, but was too chicken to actually try
umbro shorts
my best friend moving away in 3rd grade, haven’t had one since
visiting said BF a year later and felt very uncomfortable
deciding in 9th grade that i never wanted to have kids - why subject them to what i went through - and who could possibly love me - and the world is too crowded as it is
*Y*A*W*N*
yesterday was a pretty good day. didn’t wake up till noon, did some laundry and vacuumed. then some swimming and BBQ at a friends. not bad at all.
today is no different. woke up around 11.30. will be going back to bed in a few. this is what i do.
working some pretty odd days coming up - not my norm schedule and it should be interesting.
nothing exciting to post. later.
yo yo yo …
What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
last night had to be the worst sleep i’ve had in weeks. every hour i woke up. didn’t help that i had to be up at 815 and only went to bed around 2. i’m used to 9 hours (atleast) but there’s always my afternoon nap.
so, tomorrow’s the 4th of july and i actually have off from work. will be spending time with 1 of my 2 friends. i hope it’s a nice day.
work really sucks. but atleast i still have my job and today was pay day cuz of the holiday, so atleast there’s so money in the bank.
ok.. time for that nap. late.
7/1 journal …
today my pants were way too tight. very uncomfortable. time to maybe go back to juicing fruits and veggies for awhile. i ate mickeyd’s for breakfast/lunch and had a hot pocket for dinner. not very healthy at all, but hey it’s what i can afford. i drink plenty of water, but it doesn’t help with weight much.
work was OK. lots of confusion since we’ve merged and tonight was a doozy! oh well. if we didn’t laugh it off, we’d be crying. wow. is that something optimistic coming from my mouth.
i’m in a slightly better mood then i have been the past few days. must be being around people. my life on the weekends sucks ass. i do nothing and have no contact with real people. even my sister and i hardly talk. i mostly watch tv, eat, sleep, nap and let the dog out a few times. exciting right?
so, i figured i’d share something my sister overheard my mom say, when i don’t know. but apparently my sister and i aren’t on the ‘get married and have kids’ track. what the fuck does that mean!?!?!? i couldn’t believe it when my sister told me this. i guess my mom was asked about having/wanting grandkids and that was her answer. oh! and i guess we don’t need to be married to produce those grand kiddies either. just a little tid bit…
what else. not much going on. bought gas on the way home and was followed by some ass riding my bumper and of course his one headlight lit up the whole inside of my car. aren’t inspection stations supposed to check your headlight beams? if not, i think they should. i swear they’re getting worse.
well, that’s it… late.
holy crap ….
umm what is with me? i masturbated today… i need the happy endorphins i guess….
Things i’m digging right now…
Music:
- Jealousy Curve
- The Fratellis - Costello Music
- Matt Duke - Winter Child
- Jakob Dylan - Seeing Things
TV:
- Hell’s Kitchen
- Baby Borrowers
- Animal Cops
Web Sites:
- Crime Library
- Icanhascheezburger
Family matters …
Time for the family background: one older sister, parents are still alive, grandparents are all dead , 15 cousins total from both sides and of course, aunts and uncles.
my sister.where to start. she’s 4 years older then me and has ‘money problems.’ not so sure about that one since she makes more money then i do, yet i’m the one with the house. she spends her money on god knows what and books. guess it’s no better then me spending money on fast food. i found this out since her salary is public info since she works as a teacher. she’s not much help when it comes to relationship issues and i don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend either. we don’t talk about much and yes, she’s my roommate. we were ‘close’ once upon a time, but not anymore and i don’t seeing us being close again - maybe if/when she moves out? who knows. my depression hit hard when she left for college in 1991. she blames the parents for everything, although she says she doesn’t. i shocked she still talks to my dad after he kicked her out. she’s the one that wants kids. i don’t think that’s gonna happen. she’s a messy person. drive me nuts! leaves ice tea rings on the counter and toothpaste stains in the sink. it’s like pulling teeth to get her to clean the bathroom. can’t walk 2 feet to take the recycling out to the back bin. whatever….
my parents.i have to say i’m jealous of what they have now. they seem so happy. it all happened once my sister got booted from their place and ended up at mine. growing up, my mom and i didn’t get along at all. my dad used to say it was cuz we’re so much alike. i still don’t see it, but i don’t have an objective point of view. back in the late 80’s i thought they might get divorced. of course i wanted to live with my dad if they did.
cousins.i absolutely love my one cousin. she’s the only one i can really talk to. most others are married and have kids or kids on the way. yeah, we were closer growing up, but time and different upbringings have changed that. i sometimes wonder what they think of me. wow, look at that loser. will she ever get married? have kids? fuck. it pisses me off. but whatever. i ask my sister sometimes, why did they turn out so differently. they seem content with their lives and are progressing as the world has expected them too.
aunts/uncles.not much to say other then i’ve noticed that a few are starting to get racist in their old age. it’s annoying to be at a family dinner and have them talk trash about mexicans or african american people. i try to inject my 2 cents, but they don’t care.
grandparents.well, i never knew my mom’s dad - but we have the same bday. my mom’s mom used to give us Chiclets and play cards with us. she went in the nursing home when i was in junior high. my dad’s mom wanted nothing to do with the grand kids till one of the younger ones came along in 1991. the only memories i have of her are painting ceramics in the garage. my dad’s dad was cool. letting us kids help out in his shop. best memory is swinging on the back porch with him.
not sure what else to write right now … late.
Sexual relations …
Ok. so let’s get the sex crap outta the way first, shall we…
yes, i’ve never had a boyfriend. i’ve been on maybe 7 dates total.
i was a virgin till i was 26 and lost that virginity to a guy from craigslist. frankly, i was tired of being a virgin and knew that it would never happen unless i made it happen.
i never even kissed a guy till i was 21 and that was a drunk night out for a friend’s 21st bday.
i first had sex with a woman when i was 27. it was pretty awkard at first, but i really liked it. i think i’m getting a little wet just thinking about it :0 i’ve had threesomes with 2 different couples, but only once with one couple. i love kissing women. i could kiss for hours.
i’ve had a guy come over just for a blow job - again from craigslist. and i swallowed. not something i really enjoyed, but hey, atleast i tried it.
i’ve showered with a stranger once.
i’ve had phone sex a few times with the same guy. even let him listen to the vib in my pussy. he loved that!
but really, i could go without sex. i think i’ve masturbated only 4 times in the past year. frankly, it’s too much work and i know what gets me off, so what’s the fun in that. i come quick when i ride my pillows with a vib and clit stimulation. it takes only a minute or 2. i’ve squirted a few times but only from masturbation.
the whole bi thing is not something my family knows, besides my one cousin. i would never tell them. sex is just not something my family talks about. well, we don’t talk about much, but that’s another post.
yes, i’ve had anal. yes, i’d like a threesome with 2 other men. and yes, i’d like those men to atleast kiss and caress each other. yes, i’ve had cyber sex and even showed in cam a few times, but that was years ago.
what i really want is someone to just dominate me and take control. don’t force me to do things, just be willing to give more than you’d receive.
my sex toy list includes: 3 different vibs, silver bullet, anal beads, butt plug and some nipple rings.
i’ve been tied up and it was great. i want to be blindfolded too.
well, now that you have a stiffy, i’m signing off. more about my sad life tomorrow.
Welcome …
So, I’ve decided to write an anonymous blog about my life - how much it sucks and shit. If you like it, cool, if not, who cares. I want a place to be totally honest without being judged.
Let’s start with some basics: I’m 30 year-old female living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I have a job, a car and a house. I have pets and a roommate. I grew up in the burbs and don’t find life all that exciting. I have a college degree and 2 parents that are still alive. oh and yeah, i have a sister.
hmmm, what else… i’ve never had a boyfriend, but yes, i’ve had sex - with both men and women. i’m struggling financially - living above my means and paycheck to paycheck. i’ve been depressed since the 9th grade, so that was what, 1991? i’ve been on meds for the past 3 years and don’t see myself getting off them anytime soon.
so, that’s a little about me. i plan on blogging everyday about pretty much nothing. keep on reading HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. late
